


You are (not) alone

by dont_hate_me01



Series: HC Bingo Round 10 [3]
Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Gaslighting, Gen, Homesickness, Hurt Clay Spenser, Self-Harm, Trust Issues, bites
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24441148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dont_hate_me01/pseuds/dont_hate_me01
Summary: One day Clay was still with them, the next he was missing.
Series: HC Bingo Round 10 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1509023
Comments: 22
Kudos: 90





	You are (not) alone

**Author's Note:**

> **AN 1:** Thank you to the amazing [RoboFoxtrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboFoxtrot) for helping me out with this short story.
> 
>  **AN 2:** Written for the **HC_Bingo** May Amnesty challenge (Round 10) over on LiveJournal. The prompts were Trust Issues, Homesickness, Gaslighting and Bites.
> 
>  **AN 3:** All remaining mistakes, medical and otherwise remains mine.

**November 2018: Undisclosed location**

Clay’s eyes were unfocused as he stared at the white wall before him. He was aware of the cacophony of sounds around him, even as they blended into one. He lifted his hands and covered his ears as he slowly rocked himself. Clay blinked as a single tear made its way down his hollowed cheek and landed on the shaggy t-shirt he had on. The shirt’s color appeared to be cream, but could’ve been white at one stage. Now it was as nondescript as everything else that surrounded him.

The sounds increased in volume, becoming harder to ignore even as he pushed his fingers deeper into his ears in a failed attempt to block them out. Clay mumbled under his breath. His words had no meaning as they spilled from his dried and cracked lips. The rocking motion intensified as his shoulders continued to slam against the padded wall at his back.

The sounds turned into colors, into blood, into screams of dying men. And Clay screamed with them. His screams drew attention and where he might have thought he was alone, figures, shadows now scurried around him. A shadowed hand reached out to touch him and Clay recoiled. His head slammed hard against the wall, his arms and legs flew in different directions in an attempt to get away. Something heavy landed on top of him and robbed Clay of the ability to breathe, to scream. He leaned forward and snapped his mouth shut. A coppery taste filled his mouth as his jaw clamped down on the thing that held him. He still heard the screams, the roars of anguish in his ears even as his mouth filled with blood. He couldn’t escape the horror in his head, and he wouldn’t let go of the flesh he held between his teeth. Clay didn’t feel the needle as it was jammed into his thigh. His body reacted to the coldness that seeped through his veins as his muscles grew weak. His eyes closed as his body went limp and all that remained was darkness and silence around him.

****

**Hurt & Comfort Bingo Amnesty Round 10**

“You know you can trust me, Clay. I only have your best interests at heart.”

Clay didn’t meet the man’s gaze that sat opposite him. He kept his head lowered as he slowly bit down on the finger he had between his teeth. It felt strange. The gag he had on was only removed when he was placed in this room. His fingers appeared bloodied, the cuticles red and inflamed as he managed to tear a flimsy bit of nail off and spit it to the side.

“You know I will never lie to you, Clay. I’ve never lied to you. Not about anything, and definitely not about this.”

Clay raised his head a fraction. He looked at the man through the fringe that hung over his eyes. His finger stilled in his mouth.

“I know it’s hard for you to hear, Clay.”

Clay kept staring at the man.

“But you have to remember, I told you this would happen. Remember? But you didn’t want to listen to me. Didn’t want to believe me?”

He slowly removed his bloody finger from his mouth and placed his hand on his thigh. “I miss home. I want to go home,” he whispered and his voice broke over the last words.

The man shook his head slowly. “You don’t have a home. That’s why you’re here. I’ve told you this before, Clay.” He picked up a file he held on his lap. “Here it is, in black and white. You are considered useless. No one wants you.”

“No, no. You’re lying.” Clay shook his head. He tried to get to his feet, but found them shackled to massive bolts to the floor. His ankles were raw where the manacles were fastened. He frowned at the sight. It was as if he didn’t realize it before. “Why?” His hand touched the steel cuff.

“It’s for your own safety. I’ve told you this before.”

Clay’s shoulders sagged. “I want to go home. Please, let me go home.”

“You don’t have a home, Clay. No one as useless as you deserve a home. I know it’s hard to hear, but believe me, it is the truth.”

For a long time Clay sat silently, before he nodded. The man had never told him lies before. There was no reason for him to lie now. He finally accepted the man’s words. “I’m useless.”

The man smiled. “That’s correct. You’re useless, Clay. It’s a good thing to remember.”

****

**Hurt & Comfort Bingo Amnesty Round 10**

**May 2019: Little Creek Naval Station**

Eric watched the haggard men before him that were holding onto their sanity by a mere thread. It had been a year since Clay disappeared. Bravo team had been given a rare opportunity and had two weeks of down time. Although their bond was strong, sometimes even the closest team needed time apart. It meant that the team of six had split up and each went their separate way. The fact that they didn’t check in with each other the first couple of days meant nothing. By the time they realized that their kid hadn’t checked in with anyone and wasn’t responding to any text messages and that his phone was off, it was too late. The last time anyone of them saw Clay was when they left their cages with a smile on his face.

NCIS had opened a missing persons’ case file. The Navy, well, they declared Clay AWOL. It had infuriated the team. It had infuriated the whole of DEVGRU, including their command. Unfortunately, it didn’t change Clay’s status.

“We found Clay.” Eric stood with his hands on his hips as he delivered the news. The reaction he received was immediate as the room exploded into chaos.

“Is he alive?” Jason was the first to respond to the news as the group of men settled down.

Eric nodded. “Yes.”

“Where is he?” Ray had stood up from his chair.

“San Francisco.” Eric held up his hands in an attempt to quiet the group down. “Let me explain.” He took a deep breath. “The Joint Commission investigated the operations of a privately owned psychiatric hospital. There had been a number of unexplained deaths at the facility and the family members of the deceased wanted answers. Long story short, the SFPD went to the hospital after the board of the hospital refused the Commission access to the premises. They walked in on total chaos. It seemed that the only reason why the Commission was refused access to the premises was to give the medical personnel the chance to flee and destroy evidence. The only people who remained on the premises were the patients.”

“It was on the news, yesterday.” Ray shivered as he remembered the clip. “The patients were mistreated. They were malnourished, apparently shackled to their beds? Locked in rooms merely big enough for a twin bed.”

Eric nodded.

“And Clay, Clay was found there?”

“Yes.” Eric could only look on as Sonny turned and slammed his fist into the wall. Sonny crumbled as Trent placed his hand on his shoulder. The large man went down onto his knees and sobbed.

“Why was Clay there?” Jason closed his eyes. It didn’t make sense for Clay to be in a psychiatric hospital.

Eric shook his head. “I don’t know. We’re still awaiting more information.”

“Are they sure it’s him, that it’s Clay?” Trent spoke up from where he stood next to Sonny. His hand still rested on the other man’s shoulder. 

Eric gave a strong nod. “In the hurry to get away, the personnel failed to destroy all of the files they had on their patients. Clay’s file was one of those not destroyed. It contained several photos of him. Since NCIS distributed Clay’s photo to all law enforcement agencies as a missing person, an officer recognized Clay.”

“When will we have more info on Clay?” Brock spoke up from where he hugged Cerberus to his chest.

“We’ve already contacted the Chief Operating Officer at UCSF. He will make sure we get all the info we need on Clay the moment it becomes available.”

“When are we flying out?” Jason pinned Eric with a glare as if he dared him to inform them that they were not allowed to go to Clay.

“You and I are booked on a flight that leaves in two hours.”

Jason turned and faced his band of brothers. “I will let you know how he’s doing the moment I see him.”

“You will not leave him alone.”

Jason made his way over to Sonny and pulled him into a hug. “I promise, Sonny. I will not let him out of my sight.”

****

**Hurt & Comfort Bingo Amnesty Round 10**

**July 2019: Little Creek Naval Station: Military Hospital**

“Just how fucking much did he weigh if he looks like a skeleton two months after he’d been found?” Sonny hissed as he looked down at his sleeping friend. He’d seen Clay in video calls, but it was the first time he laid eyes on him in the flesh.

“He looks ten times better than when I saw him the first time, Sonny,” Jason replied tiredly. Between Blackburn and Harrington, they’d managed to get him special liberty to remain in San Francisco for the two months until the doctors deemed Clay stable enough to be transported back home. Jason had been enraged when they landed in San Francisco and found out that Clay was kept in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. That was until they met with Doctor Hamilton, who explained to them that it was in Clay’s best interest to be kept in a psychiatric unit until they had evaluated him. They had no idea in what state of mind he would be, and he’d promised that he would not keep Clay there longer than what was necessary. Jason hated psychiatrists, but he got to know the doctor and it became clear very early on that he only had Clay’s best interest at heart.

The first time Clay had woken up was almost anticlimactic. He appeared confused but could answer simple questions asked of him. That was until he saw Jason and everything went to hell. Jason and Eric had been pushed from Clay’s room and even that didn’t help. In the end, Clay had to be sedated. Although Jason only had been in Clay’s room for a few seconds, he’d seen more than one injury to Clay’s body which he’d found disturbing.

When Doctor Hamilton explained Clay’s injuries to them, it brought tears to Jason’s eyes. He saw red and wanted nothing more than to rip someone apart. The older man had given Jason some sound advice. He had told Jason to keep hold of that anger, because Clay was going to need it one day. Now two months later, that day still hasn’t arrived, but at least Clay was back in Virginia with them. Their kid still had a long road ahead of him before he could be considered as being healed.

Sonny huffed at Jason’s reply. His eyes lingered on the pink scars clearly visible on Clay’s arms. He shuddered at the sight of them. Bite marks. Self-inflicted bite marks. There were five visible on Clay’s left arm and seven of his right arm. He knew there were similar marks on Clay’s lower legs as well. They had no idea on why Clay self-mutilated himself in such a fashion. Sonny swallowed. He was filled with rage. There were so many unanswered questions and at this stage it seemed that they would never get answered, unless the scumbags who were responsible for this, got apprehended.

Jason had kept them up to date the last couple of months. They were aware of Clay’s mental status. And that was a massive concern. From what the psychiatrist in San Francisco could ascertain was that Clay was convinced that he was useless and unwanted. Sonny found it hard to believe that Clay had given up. That was until Trent reminded him not only of their SERE training but reminded him of a concept they had knowledge of – gaslighting. Everyone had a breaking point. Clay had been with those bastards for a year. It seemed that Clay had reached his breaking point during that time. Now they had to get him to believe that he wasn’t useless. That they cared for him, loved him. That he could trust them. The whole of Bravo team vowed that they would do everything in their power to make sure Clay realized and believed that.

Sonny pulled a chair closer. He wasn’t going to leave this room until Clay woke up and he’d spoken to the kid. He looked on as the rest of the team followed his lead. It didn’t matter that Clay was asleep and not aware of them. When Clay woke up, he wouldn’t be alone. That was the most important thing.

****

**Hurt & Comfort Bingo Amnesty Round 10**

**August 2019: Little Creek Naval Station: Military Hospital**

“I want to go home,” Clay whispered. He made no eye contact but kept his gaze lowered to the floor. He slowly rocked himself.

Trent reached out and placed a hand on Clay’s shoulder to get him to stop. He waited for a few seconds before he spoke up. “Please look at me, Clay.” Trent kept his hand on Clay’s shoulder until the younger man shyly looked up at him. He nodded. “Remember, Doc said the moment you reached your goal weight, you’ll be released and you can go home.” He gently pushed the plate of food towards Clay. “So, what do you say? Want to eat this up so that we can get you out of here as soon as possible?” He gave Clay a gentle smile.

Clay didn’t acknowledge the question. Instead, he started rocking himself again, looked down and repeated his earlier words.

Trent closed his eyes. His heart ached for his brother. Clay didn’t trust them. He rarely spoke up on his own. The only thing he did repeat was his wish to go home. They wanted nothing more than to grant him that wish, but he was still malnourished and underweight. Doc didn’t want to release him unless he had reached a healthy weight. There was also the problem that Clay wouldn’t be able to live on his own. Clay didn’t acknowledge that, but merely insisted that he wanted to go home.

Since they had to give up his apartment, Clay had no place of his own to return to. But he had five brothers who would take him in with a blink of an eye. In the end, it was Trent, who’d won and Clay would stay with him. Trent’s home sat on a large plot of land. Clay wouldn’t feel boxed in and would get some much needed sun and fresh air. There was enough space for the team to pop in and stay over for the night if they wished to.

With the help of Clay’s doctors, they had started introducing him to the idea of sharing a living space with Trent. That was also one of the reasons why Trent spent more time with Clay than the others. It had been slow going but they were making progress. It was also a way in showing Clay that he could trust them. At least Clay now let Trent touch him and stayed seated and didn’t try to get away the moment he entered the room.

“I know Brock is bringing Cerberus over in a bit. The pup would love to play with you. But if you don’t eat you won’t have the energy to play with him.” Trent felt bad at treating Clay almost childlike and bribing him in doing things but it seemed the only thing that worked. He smiled as Clay reached out and picked up a piece of toast. He looked on as Clay slowly ate the piece of bread. When Clay was done, Trent grinned. “Well done, Clay. I’m very proud of you.”

“I can play with Cerb?” Clay inquired softly.

“Definitely. In fact, let me text Brock and make sure he doesn’t forget Cerberus at home. We can’t allow that.” Trent grinned. His heart soared when Clay gave a short giggle. It was the first time that Clay expressed himself in such a manner. He will be sharing it with the team.

****

**Hurt & Comfort Bingo Amnesty Round 10**

**October 2019: Trent’s residence**

“I am not useless, I can do this for myself!” Clay yelled at the top of his voice as he slammed down the mug he had in his hand on the kitchen counter. It shattered on impact. He ignored the pain as a shard of ceramic pierced the palm of his hand.

“I never implied that you are useless, Clay,” Jason replied. He shook his head as Trent stepped closer. The team was gathered at Trent’s home for a barbeque. His eyes landed on Sonny and he watched as Brock moved closer to their brother to keep him from coming into the kitchen.

“You did, you always do!” Clay continued to scream. His hands trembled. Blood dripped onto the floor.

“When did I say this, Clay?” Jason remained calm.

“All the time, all the fucking time. You wrote it down. They showed it to me. They told me you said you didn’t want me. That I was useless. That I don’t deserve to have a home. I am not useless. I am not!!”

Jason’s heart broke into pieces. Clay had finally opened up and shared with them what had happened to him at the time he was kept captive. He had no memory of how he ended up at the so-called hospital but he remembered how in the beginning, he tried to escape. How they caught him and punished him. How they drugged him with mind-altering medication, chained him to the bed. It had worn Clay down. Clay had continued to fight them, to tell them that they were lying. But those bastards took their time. Used kindness to confuse him, lies to make him doubt himself, and when he still resisted, injected him with more drugs. Those drugs caused hallucinations. In an attempt to keep things real, Clay started to bite himself, but they then gagged him, starved him, and finally his reality gave way and his mind snapped. He wholeheartedly believed that he was unwanted. That he was useless, that he wasn’t worthy of having friends or even family and that he didn’t deserve a place to call home.

“That wasn’t me, Kid. I never said, or wrote something like that. I will never do that. None of us will.” Jason slowly moved around the counter and gently took hold of Clay’s hand. He pressed down on it with the tea towel he had in his hand to stop the bleeding. It looked deep and he had a feeling Clay would require stitches.

“You didn’t?” Clay asked insecurely. He lifted his head, but didn’t meet Jason’s gaze.

Jason shook his head. “No.”

“None of us did, Peter Pan,” Sonny’s voice sounded up from behind Clay.

Clay lifted his head and stared at the man he once knew as his best friend. He nodded. “I really am a lost boy.”

“Not anymore, Clay. We found you. You are our kid. We will always have your back,” Ray responded. He knew the rest of the team felt the same.

“Can I stay?” Clay met their gazes. He bit into his bottom lip out of worry.

Sonny growled and roughly pulled Clay to his chest. “You are staying, little brother. Your place is right here, with us.”

Clay’s shoulders sagged as he relaxed against Sonny’s chest. He missed his brothers. Believed that they’d forsaken him but now they were right here, around him. And even though he still felt confused, he now realized that he will never be alone again. He made it back to his family. He made it home.

**The End**


End file.
